Me? Crazy?

1-24-12 – It’s 5 a.m. – The gurgle of the coffee pot – Please Muse – let me write today – Silence – meditate …..

Social Media – what a blessing – what a curse!!  If I allow myself, I can be absorbed by it. Pulled in! Taken over! Hours “wasted”. And yet, the blessings – finding old friends – old classmates, old memories… new ideas – answers and solutions to questions asked – uplifting poems and stories.

At 63 – 64 in a few days, I now find myself up at 5 a.m. every morning – meditate for 30 minutes, write for two hours!  By 8 a.m. I’ve got my day planned for me!!  Today – writing class at the senior center at 10:00 – the afternoon will be spent with phone calls looking for a job and trying to get a little business off the ground. After that, more work on our little “beach house”!

I haven’t been to the writing class in several weeks – nothing finished – nothing worth reading. During the holidays my morning writings have been letters to old friends in response to holiday e-mail letters.  In them I have put stories on paper that I feel I need to tell – and then no response – no answers – no  ”on-going conversations”…   Am I crazy – why would anyone respond to this crap? …and the alcoholic in me clicks on – self-doubt – fear – confidence out the window!! … Only momentarily, of course – a prayer and then “let’s get back to work”.

Two weeks ago it was a rambling “three pager” to J. Michael Dolan – jmichaeldolan.com.  He’s an amazing man – a real pro!!  A successful writer and entrepreneur, author of two best sellers – currently writing a third. We both attended the same tiny catholic high school in the San Fernando Valley in the 60’s.   We’ve exchanged a few e-mails in recent months after finding each other on “Facebook”.  He, in a short note a few days before had said, “it really sounds like you’ve got it together Tom and I’m inspired by all the commitments that you have taken on!  Glad to hear that you’re writing everyday – what are you writing?”

That was it – the flood gates opened – the spew!! The ramble – “who knows – maybe you can help me “focus” – I’ve always thought I had a book inside of me – I’ve kept a pocket size journal in my back pocket for years – last year we lost our home of 23 years, maybe a book about starting over at 63! Or the restaurants that I’ve built, or maybe about Rotary, and their motto “Service Above Self” – or the trip to Peru where we built a hospital and took care of thousands of people who had never seen a doctor –(I’ve got 128 rolls of film of that adventure!)  Or how about my wife’s health problems and how you deal with illness without health insurance, or what to give up this month in order to keep the health insurance…..”

I went on and on — I closed with “It was nice hearing from you – your input would be greatly appreciated”

And then…

Self-doubt – confidence out the window – are you crazy – what were you thinking? Why would you write these things to someone so successful? Michael Dolan – two “best sellers” under his belt – successful businessman – What were you thinking? Respond to this crap! You’re crazy!!

A few days later, an automatic e-mail came in saying that a new piece had surfaced on Michael’s blog.  It was titled ……… “You’re Crazy”

(press here) – YOU’RE CRAZY –

Michael writes  “I first found out I was crazy when I discovered I couldn’t stop the constant stream of impossible dreams, crazy fantasies and unlimited possibilities frolicking around between my ears.  It began when Sister Thomas Francis dragged me out of math class, marched me down the hall to an all girls’ English lit class and insisted I stand in front of the room and read the Kipling poem, Gunga Din in my best English accent.” Michael suggests that that was a beginning for him and that “[the] Same thing happened to you (and all artists & entrepreneurs)”. …………..  Whoa!!

The same thing did happen to me! – “T. F.”, as we lovingly called Sister Thomas Francis (behind her back of course) demanded that I sing “If Ever I Should Leave You” from Camelot in front of the Girls Glee Club – it was embarrassing, exciting – it did change me!!

In his blog Michael asks “What possessed you to start your own business?”  I’m not sure I ever knew the answer to that question before. I’ve certainly been asked by friends and family many times over the years – usually with a “tag” of “are you crazy” as part of the question!! For me it was just something I had to do!

Was “You’re Crazy” really written to me?  I’d like to think that it was – to help me “tame the beast” – “subdue the demons” – to help me to understand that I am crazy!!! And that’s O.K.!

And why – in a blog format? Read the comments at the bottom of his “Crazy” piece!! Turns out, I’m not the only one who’s crazy… and that’s O.K. too!

A few days after Michael’s blog post, he sent me a personal e-mail with some great feedback.  He told me not to worry about “the book” right now.  Just “write it down” “get it on paper” – and “Start A Blog!!

Maybe there is a book inside of me screaming to get out… In the meantime though, a blog!  Now that I’ve given myself permission to “be crazy”, allow me to share my craziness with you!! And if you’d like to comment – I’d love that too! Your input is appreciated!!…….